


I go forward, I go back

by Kingknome



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Genre: F/M, Handmaidens, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Not A Fix-It, POV Padmé Amidala, Padmé Amidala Lives, Postpartum Depression, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 16:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13369080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingknome/pseuds/Kingknome
Summary: She hates them.She loves them.She lets go, and more than darkness comes to claim her.





	I go forward, I go back

She is is being torn asunder. Some part of her know it is just the labor, that she must push the child from herself, but the rest of her regrets. She should have never given in to Ani. Never loved him, nor forgiven him. Ever part of her is sick with pain and she only wants it to stop, to vomit, to die to undo everything that brought her to the point where she is murdering herself for these children.  
  
They slip from her one after the other, and though she is empty, the pain does not abate. Obi Wan puts the children into her arms and she wants to drop them, smother them, dash their heads against the walls. They are her children that she has carried, but the thought of caring for them sends another wave of sickness and pain through her. She is not fit to be a mother, and wonders wildly why she ever thought so. A trip to a med center could have averted this all long ago.  
  
She hates them.  
She loves them.  
She lets go, and more than darkness comes to claim her.  
  
When she wakes again, Padmé is most aware of the slick wet between her legs. There is a quiet rage that no one thought to clean her after her ordeal, and relief that no one has touched her.  
  
She tumbles from the bed, to the open door of the fresher, stripping as she goes, and it's not till the hot water is sluicing away a body mess that she realizes she's not on the starcruiser.  
  
She's on planet; in Theed, on Naboo, in the Queen's chambers.  
  
And her stomach is flat.  
Her arms are thin.  
There is baby fat where there should be babies.  
  
Padme stumbles from the shower to the mirror and beholds the child she once was.  
  
No scars, or muscle, or wrinkles.  
  
She isn't ready for the knock at her door, her handmaidens, long ago dead or dismissed ready to help her climb into the obstreperous garments of the Queen.  
  
She lets them help, quiet, and panicking while they chatter and shoot each other worried looks. Lets them lead her to the throne, past politicians who are dead or retired. To a throne she's outgrown for the Galactic Senate. She makes rulings based on laws memorized long ago, hardly engaged, absorbing a vision of the past.  
  
Then, there is the Trade Federation, snippering and stupid. She remembers this day, had relived it a thousand times in memory. What was, and what could have been. Her childish impulsive ruling, one she has regretted ever after, righteous though it was.  
  
She does not banish them on sight this time, listens to their (ludicrous) demands, and counters with her own. They argue, and the court grows restless. From the background Palpatine tries to intervene, to smooth things over, and she ejects him from the court.  
  
She makes her ruling, the Trade Federation gumbeling, but powerless. They will not set a blockade, or send for droids, or involve the Senate. Things will continue on as they were before the Jedi came to Naboo. Perhaps now, the Jedi will never come to Naboo.  
  
Because Padme knows loss now. And fear and anger and hate and pain, and love and hope. And she will not suffer to bring children into this galaxy again when she knows now what is coming.  
  
But perhaps she can prevent all that now.  
  
Naboo, after all, has some excellent pod racing.

**Author's Note:**

> Why hasn't anyone done a good Padmé only time time travel yet? I would make this Padmé/Obi wan if I had any plot to give it. I also cannot remember if Padmé found out who Sidious was at the end of RotJ, so maybe she's not as in control as she thinks she is.


End file.
